tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post7087746589568202266..comments2023-06-09T04:25:11.266-07:00Comments on Going for coffee...: Cement (*some graphic language*)Jo-Anne Teal (jtvancouver)http://www.blogger.com/profile/10560042112608893203noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-44130063392868221772012-03-07T13:51:08.918-08:002012-03-07T13:51:08.918-08:00This is an excellent character study, very authent...This is an excellent character study, very authentic. From someone who both writes and who also worked with street kids, this feels right, exactly right.David Antrobushttp://www.the-migrant-type.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-31659281669474185592012-01-12T23:17:43.559-08:002012-01-12T23:17:43.559-08:00Fantastic writing. I hope you are writing a book.Fantastic writing. I hope you are writing a book.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-15207803541710067792012-01-12T19:18:42.500-08:002012-01-12T19:18:42.500-08:00Such a great job creating the scene. Such a vivid ...Such a great job creating the scene. Such a vivid story and a lively character. You really get a sense of this character in this piece. I also want to know what's next for him!Lillie McFerrinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05367116687588265202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-32423004961055925342012-01-12T13:35:03.464-08:002012-01-12T13:35:03.464-08:00I had no idea that you had your own blog!!! Lol
I...I had no idea that you had your own blog!!! Lol <br />I knew you were a good writer Jo-Anne, but this is amazing!!! You got me hooked from just reading a few paragraphs. <br />I'll be lining up to buy your first published book!Sergio Martineznoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-80651990916535635162012-01-10T13:17:47.156-08:002012-01-10T13:17:47.156-08:00Now I want to know what happens to this guy. Will ...Now I want to know what happens to this guy. Will he get a chance to resolve his family issues? Will his luck change? I'm rooting for him already. It feels like there's something larger at work that's just out of sight. Nice one Jo-Anne!Rod Tysonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17935200891369776432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-57625990523069552222012-01-09T20:04:27.599-08:002012-01-09T20:04:27.599-08:00I've read books where it took twenty or more p...I've read books where it took twenty or more pages for me to even *care* about the main character and what happens to them - you've managed to pique my interest in just a few paragraphs. Solid, and well done Jo-Anne.KD Rushhttp://kdrush.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-6289600942217508832012-01-09T16:53:18.308-08:002012-01-09T16:53:18.308-08:00Good job. I loved the way you described Easter and...Good job. I loved the way you described Easter and the choice of words you used to describe her. It really brought her character to live in just a short paragraph. I also liked the voice you used for Benny. I tend to not like stories with graphic language but you used it really well in the story. The language added to it and brought Benny's character to life.R. J. Ropsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06906115269276664336noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-5865596259259125372012-01-08T21:02:55.698-08:002012-01-08T21:02:55.698-08:00Heroin reference changed from dope to junk to ensu...Heroin reference changed from dope to junk to ensure its clear to readers.Jo-Anne (jtvancouver)http://www.goingforcoffee.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-66828584893721475182012-01-08T20:53:04.455-08:002012-01-08T20:53:04.455-08:00Jo, you have done an *amazing* job of nailing the ...Jo, you have done an *amazing* job of nailing the voice, capturing that youthful bravado and toughness and the vulnerability bubbling beneath the surface. Beautifully done. Like the others, I'd love to read more, but the story stands on its own, a beautifully crafted snapshot of street kid stream-of-consciousness. <br /><br />I agree with you (and Lori) that the first person point of view was the perfect choice for this story. It brings us closer, gives us that "birds-eye" view into the character's mental stew. :) Someone above referred to your protagonist as "he" and I had to go back and re-read to see if I'd missed something since I'd been imagining a teenage girl. Canny you, you'd never said.<br /><br />I get what you're saying about "dope" being another street name for heroin, but because it's also the street name for pot, I think Chris is right that it should be changed. Little things like that can throw a reader out of a story, and you've created too perfect an atmosphere to want to risk that happening. You could use another slang term, like H, junk, white, Mexican Brown, or my personal fave, smack. <br /><br />There are some minor punctuation thingies (missing commas and so on), but I wasn't sure if that was a deliberate tactic for pulling us further into the main character's head. If so, it worked!Kern Windwraithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16771591425163484238noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-41839918931620708562012-01-08T15:54:08.675-08:002012-01-08T15:54:08.675-08:00Wow - really like this story. I hope, like those a...Wow - really like this story. I hope, like those above, that you expand it. Not that there has to be an ending ... but just more. The first person narrative did make it feel embedded in the environment and in just a few short lines, you made me feel as though I learned something.Lori Kellynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-89052638009739173872012-01-08T13:33:02.294-08:002012-01-08T13:33:02.294-08:00@chrisjames Dope on the street (this context) is ...@chrisjames Dope on the street (this context) is heroin.Jo-Anne (jtvancouver)http://www.goingforcoffee.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-14221599659998467452012-01-08T13:26:47.346-08:002012-01-08T13:26:47.346-08:00Very clear voice in there. Jo, well done. I agree ...Very clear voice in there. Jo, well done. I agree with Angie about the strong visual; I could picture his bed, the building, the city. It's a strong opening for a short story or novel, so I do hope you plan to build it out a bit more. Just one editorial suggestion? I think "dope" (fourth line) is smoked rather than injected, but it maybe different in your neck of the woods.Chris Jameshttp://www.chrisjames.eunoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-68431723239128944822012-01-08T12:14:29.008-08:002012-01-08T12:14:29.008-08:00I know the setting and some of the people, that he...I know the setting and some of the people, that helped. I wanted it to be respectful also not just write it as if I was a stranger in a strange land. I hoped the first person narrative would do that. Thanks for the kind comment Angie.Jo-Anne (jtvancouver)http://www.goingforcoffee.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4192092613796233894.post-5462873788076494092012-01-08T12:00:30.522-08:002012-01-08T12:00:30.522-08:00I really love this story. It's so visual and y...I really love this story. It's so visual and you've captured the character perfectly! It feels as though I am actually listening to him speak. Where did Benny go? I want to know! <br /><br />Great work Jo-Anne!Angie Richmondhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03427286424394081888noreply@blogger.com