Friday, February 3, 2012

Five Sentence Fiction - Shiver

“Stephen would be appalled to see these awful green walls, and the speckled brown (easy to clean up messes and tears) linoleum; whoever painted this hospital waiting room clearly had no imagination or colour sense.”  Em fidgeted trying to get comfortable in the increasingly hard, plastic chair and glanced over to check the clock again; though time seemed to be standing still in this little room, another hour had apparently drifted past. 

Fully dressed and wearing her heavy sweater, knees covered by her winter coat, Em still felt chilled to her core. She was just about to ask for a blanket at the nurses’ station when Stephen’s doctor appeared in the doorway, walking over to sit down in the chair beside her. “Blue, they should have painted the room blue” Em thought as she shivered, and the awful green walls started to spin.

22 comments:

  1. Another good one, Jo. The doctor is about to tell her that Stephen has just croaked - er, passed away, and you put thought in my head very neatly :-)

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    1. Thank you for reading and commenting Chris. I found it difficult to get the whole scene into 5 sentences but it's very good writing practice!

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  2. Poor Em. Loads of depth and implication. Brilliant! Well done Jo-Anne.

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    1. thank you so much for the kind words Rod. I always appreciate you taking the time to comment.

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  3. Love the last line! You kept the reader wanting more. Nice work!

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    1. Stephanie, thank you so much for the follow and for taking the time to comment! Have really been enjoying your 5 sentence fiction too!

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  4. Brilliant, Jo-Anne. Building tension and leaving it unresolved in the colour, in a way that the reader can entertain the possibilities.

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    1. dear Quirina, even your comments are poetic - thank you!

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  5. Wow, JT - your facility with language leaves me wanting more. You write the way I dream of doing - lots of description that pulls the reader into the emotional lives of the characters.

    As an aside, the colour stuck me as very different blue than the shirt under your cheek of several weeks ago! (Lori)

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    1. Thank you dear Lori, I really appreciate your kind words! Yes, the blue is a completely different shade of blue that the t-shirt in 'Delirious' a few weeks ago; however, you've noted something that could become a writing 'tic' for me.

      I find that I tend to go to similar words time and time again. I try to be conscious of it because one of the beautiful things about writing should be the opportunity to make full use of the English language. Colours trip me up quite a bit! I favour blue and gray for some reason. I must spend a lot of time looking at the sky!

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  6. Well done, Jo-Anne. Your descriptions have allowed the story to flow out, rather than being told. Look forward to reading more of your work
    Kate

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    1. Thank you Kate for taking the time to read & comment. I'm always rolling the 'show don't tell' around in my head but sometimes, in the heat of the writing moment I forget. Appreciate your encouraging comment!

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  7. I can't believe you packed so much visceral emotion into five sentences. Beautiful use of detail--the specificity, the ordinary things in an extraordinary moment--perfect. You set down the the layers, and you lift them up just enough to give us a glimpse of what's going on beneath. Simply fabulous, Ms. J.

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    1. Thank you so much for the kind comments Kern. I've been thinking about / remembering these scenes a lot this week. I'm glad if I was able to bring the true confused emotion to this very short story. Your encouragement means much to me. Thanks!

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  8. Love the glimpse into a moment...really leaves you wanting more!

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    1. Nice to meet you Lisa. Thank you for reading, commenting and subscribing to the blog!

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  9. Amazing! Very well done Jo-Anne.

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    1. Thank you so much Steven. You are always so kind & encouraging. I appreciate it!

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