Saturday, March 24, 2012

Five Sentence Fiction - Wicked

Maria sat poised at the end of the uncomfortable faux bamboo chair; although she pretended to be listening to the detailed stories put forth by her new acquaintances at table 7, she instead kept a close watch on the main entrance of the banquet hall.  

When Mr. and Mrs. appeared at the entranceway, faces regrettably stretched into camera smiles, the guests erupted into applause, while  Maria reached for her water glass, drinking the full contents, crushed ice and all, in four quick gulps. 

She sat waiting through the first, second and third dances until, as she knew would happen, on the fourth dance, Mr. walked assuredly towards table 7, stopped, knelt beside her chair and whispered into her ear:  “It’s about time we had a dance tonight, isn’t it?”

Maria watched his arms, his “guns” as they both used to laughingly call them when rolling around in bed, as he extended both of them, hands outstretched waiting for her to grab hold and move to the dance floor with him.

Once on the parquet, surrounded by hundreds of people, the physical effect of their bodies’ slow, full contact movements remained hidden, but hot flushed faces and dark red lips exposed the secret to Mrs. watching with vested interest from the sidelines.

16 comments:

  1. Great stuff, Jo. This would make a great opening to a short story - those five sentences really set the scene well and, as with so many of these, when I get to the end I only want to know what happens next :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Chris ;)) I think I will format this to a longer story as I'd like to see what happens too!!

      Delete
  2. Lovely piece of intrigue...this prompt word is bringing out our dark side!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is a uniquely evocative word, isn't it! Lillie chose very well! Thank you for stopping by and commenting Lisa :))

      Delete
  3. This is such an AWESOME piece! Vivid and intriguing. I want more :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Angie for your encouragement! So very appreciated!

      Delete
  4. I like how you simply call them Mr. and Mrs. It works so well in this piece. Nice job :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lillie! These 5sf are great writing exercises!

      Delete
  5. I like the build-up of suspense and intrigue. Well done, Jo-Anne.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Quirina, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate your support very much.

      Delete
  6. I hope you're serious about turning some of these into shorts. Five sentences only leaves me wanting more. You've proved time and again that you can write. Now do something with it. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I'm serious KD and you'll have lots of reading to do when it happens! Such a lovely comment. I appreciate it, appreciate you even more!

      Delete
  7. The pace on this was expertly constructed, and I could really feel the sexual tension there. Great piece.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Sandra. I appreciate you taking the time to read & comment, particularly when you mentioned 2 things that I was really hoping to convey! thanks again!

      Delete
  8. I agree with Sandra-- the pace created a sexual tension that was fairly palpable. The intimacy of the narrator's thoughts is unnerving in all the right ways. I would read a whole book like this without fail. Excellent writing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much J.M. for these great comments! Really appreciate you taking the time to visit my blog and read the story. I was hoping that the sexual tension would be conveyed.

      Delete