Thursday, December 29, 2011

Five Sentence Fiction - Shenanigans

Head in hands, throbbing pain behind both temples, David waited for the computer program to search each account for the missing bank deposits.

The immediate shock of discovering the scope of the theft was now overshadowed by his growing humiliation.  How could he have allowed Allan’s finely honed trickery to wreak havoc in his world again?

There could be no cover up big enough, nor explanation good enough, to makes sense of this betrayal.

David realized after twenty seven hard-fought years, his business, his closest friendship and no doubt his marriage, would soon be over.


  1. But, when he woke up, even though his heart was racing, he realized it was just a dream. The light was shining through the bedroom curtains. Everything in the room was as it had been the day before. After all, he's just seen Allan the day before. Maybe he was wrong.

  2. Ack! Poor trusting David! This is very strong. You've packed a boatload of panic and despair into a very few sentences. We can feel David's shock, his shame at being duped yet again, his sense of betrayal and despair.

    There's only one hiccup - the first half of that sentence starting "David knew his unquestioning trust in his old friend was what had allowed..." There's nothing wrong with this sentence, but I think it tells us too much. What if you left the second half exactly as it is (love that "finely honed trickery phrase), but started with a question? Maybe something along the lines of "How could he have allowed himself to let Allan's finely honed..."?

    Ignore me if I'm being obnoxious...

  3. Thanks for these excellent comments (and further storyline).

    I agree about making that sentence stronger and went back and changed in a similar way to what you suggested Kern. I do indeed think it makes it better. THANK YOU!!

  4. Have to agree, there's a lot of meat in that story for just a few sentences - and don't you dare continue it with "It was just a dream"!!!! :-)