Sunday, June 3, 2012
Five Sentence Fiction: Orange (a slice of life)
Two forty seven in the afternoon, the restaurant’s waiting to fill with the after-school rush, so Jeremy takes advantage of the lull to call his buddy Dave and puff an illegal smoke in the back of the kitchen. Illegal smokes man, they’re the best kind.
“Granddad lives in Ithaca – he said I could stay with him for a while if things got too bad here, and I’d say wearing a paper hat all day, asking surly teens if they want extra packets of ketchup, certainly qualifies as bad…oh hey dude, gotta go.”
The bell on the door rings non-stop as the already greasy, young customers stream in for burgers and rite of passage mischief-making; Jeremy saunters up to the front counter, walking through the doorway’s long strings of plastic like entering a Vegas showroom.
Geez, of all the things I hate about this crappy job, those god-awful orange-crush countertops are what I hate most.
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..."already greasy young customers" -- nice! Another good one, Jo-Anne.
ReplyDeleteThanks dear Laura:)) Just wanted to do a simple scene of life...to balance the tooth-aching effect of neon orange counters!
DeleteSo easy to visualise too! Can't stand most fast food colours...especially the orange and yellow ones! Great piece.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lisa! I couldn't get the colour out of my mind when thinking about the Orange inspiration word :))
DeleteBeautiful atmosphere - could almost have been there - lovin' the counter tops. Nice one Jo-Anne.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Sandra. I've had many an important conversation in such a setting - perhaps that's why it was rolling around in my noggin' so clearly :))
DeleteYou brought me right back to my childhood. It seems all the diner and drugstore countertops were orange. Wonder if they got a discount for choosing that ugly color. Nice work. Here's mine: www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteThanks Lora - that orange is such a 70s colour. I can still see it in all the fast food stores and in the neighbours' kitchens!
DeleteThe italics are good, man, they bring out Jeremy's character real well. Great write again, Jo-Anne. :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Quirina :)) I wanted to try something a bit different that I'm trying in a longer work I'm doing. I'm glad it seemed to work with regards to character.
DeleteI really love the combination of voice and style in your piece. The orange-crush countertops fit well with the casual, laid-back atmosphere...
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the generous comments, Michelle. Very much appreciated :))
DeleteUgh, that awful plastic that diners have... horrible! And "the already greasy young customers" ..loved that! Great job, Jo-Anne :)
ReplyDeleteThanks always dear Louise for taking the time to comment! Appreciated! xo
DeleteI could smell the fries bubbling away in the hot oil... Nice Job
ReplyDeleteGreat comment, Andy :)) Much appreciated!
DeleteGreat imagery and mood!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Britton, for taking the time to read and comment. Really liked the use of a colour this week. Bit of a different challenge.:))
DeleteI (hate) the color orange. Thank you for doing it justice. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThe colour orange will for me always mean those orange formica and linoleum. For some reason, I adore coloured countertops. Others go for expensive granite, and yes I do love expensive slate, but if I had my perfect house it would have charmingly periwinkle blue countertops. They would make me happy every day :)) And thus, is Jo's obsession...sshh don't tell anyone!
DeleteNice! And, I can imagine years later seeing that particular shade of orange would bring back all of the memories of his diner days. Funny how that works.
ReplyDeleteColours and aromas always take me back - it is funny how that works!
DeleteI never entered one for Orange as found it quite hard and never gave it the time it deserved. Your's is excellent; I can so picture those orange work tops and in such a hard, demanding environemnt, it's the work tops that are the pits. Excellent. xx
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for stopping by, Elisabeth :)) The 5 sentence fiction challenges do either click with me or not too. This didn't have a conflict but I liked that it was just a snapshot of a life at one moment in time. Thanks for the kind comments!
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