Thursday, May 3, 2012

Five Sentence Fiction - Candy

Leaning over the neon-green serving counter, the clerk raised an eyebrow in the customer’s direction; he was used to the school kids spending more than ten minutes deciding on what junk to buy with their allowances, but the lumpy, roly-poly woman currently in the candy aisle was a new species to him. Ellie’s face burned red as she became aware of the young 7-11 clerk staring in her direction; she grabbed four chocolate bars and a small bag of jujubes and dug her wallet out to pay.

“My kids got their report cards yesterday so I thought I’d buy them a treat in celebration – but you know kids, they can be so picky", Ellie said, responding to the unasked question hanging in the air.

Taking the money, the clerk thought to himself that she shouldn’t be feeding her kids chocolate or they would end up looking like their horribly fat mother – but he didn’t voice his opinion, instead handing her twenty-three cents change without thanks or a smile.

Ellie moved as quickly as she could out of the convenience store without looking ungainly, and got into her car that she had parked around the corner; then checking to ensure no one was looking in her direction, she unwrapped the first Oh Henry bar.

23 comments:

  1. Oh. I like Ellie and want her to not feel this way! And poo on the clerk for being a judgmental jerkface!

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    1. Thanks Ang - appreciate you reading and commenting.

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  2. Very well written... And upon reading it the only thing I can really think to say are some very bad words I'd use to describe the clerk....which I won't subject you too.

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    1. Thanks dear Steven. Is it wrong to say that I'm happy you thought of those clerk-related words when you read the story?!

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    2. Not at all. Very powerful piece really as it causes you to think and really, I have a strong dislike for those people who judge others due to any reason (physical appearance, who one loves, religion)...and I've lived around the sort my whole life.

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    3. Steven, your kind heart shines through everything you write, including your comments. Sending you ((hugs))!

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  3. Very visual piece there Miss Jo-Anne! Loved it!!

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment Gary. I appreciate it!

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  5. Very effective scene, Jo-Anne. The only thing I'd like to know is how the car parked itself?

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    1. You honed in on the line that gave me the most trouble!!! I wanted to indicate that Ellie had parked her car in a distant spot away from other vehicles. The 5 sentence limitation really did give me a challenge. I'll keep looking at it to see how it can be better said. Always appreciate your comments Quirina :)))

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    2. **changed that sentence again but it's still giving me problems. Argh....!

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  6. Loved it...I hate people that pre-judge but even more I hate myself when I feel the need to explain something that is no one else's business. Well done!

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    1. Donna, you hit on one of the exact points I was trying to get across - thank you!

      We've all done that in some circumstance in our lives - explain something away or pretend - so that others won't think badly of us (or someone else). The most freeing thing in the world would be to just be who we are, fully, in every interaction. Alas, I don't think most of us will get there...and that hits into my other point of the story - shame.

      I appreciate you taking the time to comment Donna!

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  7. Oh poor Ellie, I really felt for her. You portrayed her really well.

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    1. Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment,Sandra. As you know, I really enjoy your writing and 5sf entries.Appreciated. :))

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  8. Really enjoyed this - in a horribly familiar kind of way. I totally agree with Donna's comment; as horrible as the clerk is, Ellie's knee-jerk attempt to explain and cover up is worse, and rings oh so true. This is a really powerful piece.

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    1. It is terrible when everyone in the world just can't be who they are, without judgment or ridicule. I admit, I saw the happy word "candy" as the inspiration word and felt compelled to take it in a darker direction. I appreciate your comments, Lori.

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  9. Ah! I've BEEN her! Tragic but well done story, Jo-Anne! Good job.

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    1. Thanks for commenting Erin. I think we've all pretended we are someone we're not, in a moment where we are embarrassed or shamed. Luckily, it seems as we get older, we start to think less about what people think and more about what we think of ourselves. I really appreciate you stopping by to read my story:))

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