Saturday, May 26, 2012

Five Sentence Fiction - Silence

Although I’d asked my father for many things in my short life, I had never before asked him for his understanding.   Throughout my twenty two years, when our ideals and values differed, I let it slide; whenever my priorities collided with his plans, I let him have his way.  I never voiced an opinion, never uttered a sound that would have given him the prior knowledge he needed to dull the pain of my now spoken request.

In the end, my words just tumbled out, urgently, far ahead of conscious thought, thoroughly disregarding my much edited script;  half way through my impromptu speech, my father gave up looking at me and turned his eyes down, seeming to inspect the yellow formica kitchen table where we both sat.

When I'd finished, and he stood to leave, I felt it would be the last time I’d  see him, for my life had now made a two-wheeled corner turn from which it could not recover; but as my father reached the back door, he stopped and, looking me in the eyes so I could see he had begun to weep, he said: “I’m very proud of you, son - we’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

30 comments:

  1. Very well written Jo-Anne. Powerful, well done.

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    1. Thanks Steven. Always a bit different when writing from POV of different sex.

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    2. lol, i bet. Most of my stories have female mc's....but never first person, lol.

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  2. This is heart-warming and sad at the same time!
    What really struck me, is the authenticity of the voice...
    I'm visiting from Five Sentence Fiction.

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    1. Thank you so much Michelle for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Much appreciated.

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  3. This is fantastic... The silence resonates from the story. Well done!

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    1. Thanks Bekah for the very nice comment :))

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  4. Very nice, Jo. Gripping, powerful and well written

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  5. I like this a lot. It seemed so personal and immediate as I read it that I was surprised when genders were revealed in the final paragraph. Very, very compelling!

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    1. Thanks so much Ben for your generous comments. In my mind I was thinking of a young man so I didn't realize until I read it back myself that a reader might not know. Still learning how to get all the info shaken out of my noggin' and onto the page!

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  6. His gender caught me by surprise, too. Your story left enough for me to interpret and was very powerful...very nice write, Jo-Anne :)

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    1. Thank you dear Louise! Just saying something to Ben about it in the comment above. When I realized it was a bit of a surprise reveal, thought I'd leave it in as a bit of a quirk. Hope it worked!

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  7. Wow, this brought tears close to the surface. So many go through life searching for that approval and never find it. You touched a universal theme here.

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    1. Victoria,thank you for such a generous comment. Very much appreciated :))

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  8. I love the way you take an intimate moment in a life and make us care so much about the outcome. Those last few words make us breathe out in relief! Lovely Jo-Anne.

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    1. Thank you, Lisa. Your comments are always so supportive. Appreciated! ((hugs))

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  9. This is a very powerful piece of writing. I could sense the cataclysmic nature of this one encounter; you portrayed it beautifully. Well done!

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    1. Thank you Sandra for this generous comment. Very much appreciated!

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  10. OK. Being bookmarked by a son and father, I have to admit, my eyes misted. I could relate to both sides. Most effective and beautifully written.

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    1. Thank you so much Andy. The highest praise is that the emotion of the story resonates. Really appreciate your kind message.

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  11. So much impact in five sentences! Well done, Jo-Anne.

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  12. Once again, you pack a wallop. Emotional and still sweet...loved it!

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    1. Oh Donna, thank you so much for your generous comment! Very much appreciated!

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  13. Extremely well crafted. I hardly noticed I was reading and the suspense was pitch perfect. Write that novel, Jo-Anne. Now. I will pay money to read it. Q xx

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    1. Thank you so much Quirina for your beautiful comments. I am working on several things but I'm finding it difficult to settle into one story at a time! Your lovely words will encourage me to do so!

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