“Excuse you, buddy” Karen thought, “with all the satisfactory seating options available on this thoroughly hideous bus, why did you have to sit right in front of me?” She was about to tap his shoulder and share this well constructed thought but stopped short, pulling her hand away and resting it back down on her purse.
His powder blue t-shirt stretched taut across his back, a perfect creaseless piece of fabric, acting as a rampway up his neck to thick, shiny black, ringleted hair. Karen leaned forward, closed her eyes and breathed deeply, taking in the mixed scents of laundry soap, bleach and Old Spice deodorant. Without saying a word, she leaned further forward, turned her head and laid her cheek gently down on the unexpected pale blue blanket.
Took an unexpected turn, nicely done. Great descriptions :D
ReplyDeleteThanks Steven, appreciate your comments!
DeleteThis is amazing. I definitely want to know who that guy was. So many details in such a short space. Well done :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Lillie - I appreciate these 5 sentence fiction challenges! Thank you for your encouraging comments.
DeleteLove this - porn or not oddparticle! I definately want to know what happens. Please do continue.
ReplyDeleteAtticusnorth
Thanks Robin, so nice of you to take the time to read and comment!
DeleteOne of my favorite 5 sentence pieces that I've read :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Ruanna, what a lovely thing to say!
DeleteHaving trouble getting these posts to go through, but I hope I've figured it out!
ReplyDeleteNice, Jo-Anne. Very visual. I especially like the hand resting back on her purse and the cheek gently on the blanket. The only things that didn't work for me were the word "defensively" - it jarred me out of the scene because I couldn't visualize it and it didn't seem to fit - and the word "ringleted" - maybe try "to the shiny ringlets of his thick black hair" instead? (I hope you don't mind the comments. As a writer, I always prefer helpful criticism to simple praise, even if I end up rejecting it.)
On the contrary, I'm very pleased to receive constructive comments Ruth! Thank you for taking the time to read it and may the suggestions. I knew ringleted wasn't a real word but I couldn't seem to get it in another way. I'll look at what you've suggested. As for 'defensively', well, I liked it so... stretched taut but in a masculine way... Anyways, thanks again for your input. I do very much appreciate it.
DeleteYou have a knack for creating these short, tight, extremely vivid scenes. What I particularly like about this one is that you manage to engage the reader on a multi-sensory levee: touch, sight, scent. Loved the image of his form-fitting shirt as a rampway up to his ringleted hair, and I love the visual of those shiny black curls. Also, the detail really brings it to life: the Old Spice deodorant, "powder blue," "creaseless fabric."
ReplyDeleteRegarding "ringleted" - I don't have a problem with it. I do think that sentence needs smoothing out, but I think what makes it stop and start is the run of comma'd adjectives at the end, and I think the fix would be to simply remove the comma after "shiny": thick, shiny black ringleted hair." You don't really need that comma, because "shiny" can just as effectively be defining "black" as "hair," and I think the sentence flows better without it.
Great job, Ms. Jo. As usual, you leave us wanting more.
Great visuals in this story. I love the bit about the scents. Scents are so powerful! I want to know who this Dude is!
ReplyDeleteInteresting Angie is interested in the male character - I'm completely drawn in by Karen and why she would lean forward and lay her head down like this? I love the way this story went in one direction, then another, keeping the reader off-kilter (or at least that's how I felt!)
ReplyDeleteKate
Definitely piqued my interest!!!
ReplyDeleteThis story fits perfect with the word delirious. You used so much description that it brought the story to life.
ReplyDeleteThat made me smile. Kudos.
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