Cement makes a crappy bed but at least it's a dry crappy bed. Benny told me he was leaving, taking the bus back to whatever shit-hole place he came from, and said I’d better move to his spot quick before someone else took it. He was right. Since I’ve been trying to get settled here with my stuff, three of those idiots from the Aston Hotel have come down the street and given me dirty looks. They must have heard Benny was gone – not like he’s usually gone – gone as in actually left town. And you know what? I’m going to miss him. For all the junk he shoots, Benny’s one of the few guys down here you can actually have a conversation with. I’m glad I met him. He told me about the free meals at the hall on 27th. The food there is pretty good, always hot, and they give you apples when you leave for the night. At first I thought it was a stupid joke “yeah, I’ll take an apple” like I’m a kid or something, but man, two in the morning I remembered I had it in my pack, it was like manna from goddamn heaven.
Benny always let me talk. That’s what I’ll miss. Who else am I gonna talk to? Easter? She’s a good woman but most of the time she’s tweakin’. Last night, when I was setting up camp here, she went by almost on her hands and knees looking for coke in the white flecks on the sidewalk. No, it's not there, don’t get your hopes up. She just sees it there, there and everywhere, when she’s tweakin.
I’ve been sleeping in this spot for a couple of nights, well, a couple of days and nights. What the hell do I need to move around for? I’m out of the way, around a corner, it’s covered. It’s like the fuckin’ Plaza compared to my old spot.
I got lucky this morning – some news guy – reporter? - shit I don’t know - anyways, some guy came by with a camera and wanted to ask me questions. Same old stuff, they never get tired of asking it. But since Benny’s gone, I didn’t mind talking. Where am I from? If only you knew buddy, if only you knew. I’m from thirty blocks and two lifetimes away, that's where I’m from. How did this happen to me? Look asshole, it could happen to you too. Sure you can have the story you’re looking for – my dad beat the crap out of my mom, my brother, and then came looking to beat the crap out of me. He didn’t think I’d fight back. When I did, he threw me out of the house. Well, he tried to throw me out. It didn’t work. I walked out. I took my hockey bag, filled it with my stuff and I walked out. Cool as anything. Not one goddamn look back. I knew my dad didn’t care but I knew my mom would be watching. Shit, she probably stood at the gate watching me walk down the entire ten blocks before I turned off. I turned the corner, man, and made a right, straight into hell.
I really love this story. It's so visual and you've captured the character perfectly! It feels as though I am actually listening to him speak. Where did Benny go? I want to know!
ReplyDeleteGreat work Jo-Anne!
I know the setting and some of the people, that helped. I wanted it to be respectful also not just write it as if I was a stranger in a strange land. I hoped the first person narrative would do that. Thanks for the kind comment Angie.
ReplyDeleteVery clear voice in there. Jo, well done. I agree with Angie about the strong visual; I could picture his bed, the building, the city. It's a strong opening for a short story or novel, so I do hope you plan to build it out a bit more. Just one editorial suggestion? I think "dope" (fourth line) is smoked rather than injected, but it maybe different in your neck of the woods.
ReplyDelete@chrisjames Dope on the street (this context) is heroin.
ReplyDeleteWow - really like this story. I hope, like those above, that you expand it. Not that there has to be an ending ... but just more. The first person narrative did make it feel embedded in the environment and in just a few short lines, you made me feel as though I learned something.
ReplyDeleteJo, you have done an *amazing* job of nailing the voice, capturing that youthful bravado and toughness and the vulnerability bubbling beneath the surface. Beautifully done. Like the others, I'd love to read more, but the story stands on its own, a beautifully crafted snapshot of street kid stream-of-consciousness.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you (and Lori) that the first person point of view was the perfect choice for this story. It brings us closer, gives us that "birds-eye" view into the character's mental stew. :) Someone above referred to your protagonist as "he" and I had to go back and re-read to see if I'd missed something since I'd been imagining a teenage girl. Canny you, you'd never said.
I get what you're saying about "dope" being another street name for heroin, but because it's also the street name for pot, I think Chris is right that it should be changed. Little things like that can throw a reader out of a story, and you've created too perfect an atmosphere to want to risk that happening. You could use another slang term, like H, junk, white, Mexican Brown, or my personal fave, smack.
There are some minor punctuation thingies (missing commas and so on), but I wasn't sure if that was a deliberate tactic for pulling us further into the main character's head. If so, it worked!
Heroin reference changed from dope to junk to ensure its clear to readers.
ReplyDeleteGood job. I loved the way you described Easter and the choice of words you used to describe her. It really brought her character to live in just a short paragraph. I also liked the voice you used for Benny. I tend to not like stories with graphic language but you used it really well in the story. The language added to it and brought Benny's character to life.
ReplyDeleteI've read books where it took twenty or more pages for me to even *care* about the main character and what happens to them - you've managed to pique my interest in just a few paragraphs. Solid, and well done Jo-Anne.
ReplyDeleteNow I want to know what happens to this guy. Will he get a chance to resolve his family issues? Will his luck change? I'm rooting for him already. It feels like there's something larger at work that's just out of sight. Nice one Jo-Anne!
ReplyDeleteI had no idea that you had your own blog!!! Lol
ReplyDeleteI knew you were a good writer Jo-Anne, but this is amazing!!! You got me hooked from just reading a few paragraphs.
I'll be lining up to buy your first published book!
Such a great job creating the scene. Such a vivid story and a lively character. You really get a sense of this character in this piece. I also want to know what's next for him!
ReplyDeleteFantastic writing. I hope you are writing a book.
ReplyDeleteThis is an excellent character study, very authentic. From someone who both writes and who also worked with street kids, this feels right, exactly right.
ReplyDelete